I was not looking forward to my birthday this year. It’s been a tough 12 months for all the reasons you know of happening in the world today, and add to that more personal challenges than I would like to count or discuss.

Let’s just say, “It’s not the year I had planned.” So much is not unfolding as I had hoped or even worked for. Yes, I have had an extremely successful release of my first book, The Morality of Money, yet so many other things are vanishing in my professional life. I am grieving things I had no expectation to lose in my late 50s. So many things seem to be slipping through my fingers and just going away without choice or control.

I’d like to say this is a season of disappointment, but honestly, I feel a Higher Order at work. That is the way it is in the world, isn’t it? We believe we are working toward a certain goal. We feel it’s the right track—all indications tell us this will get us there, only to find when we arrive, it’s gone, going, or ripped right from us.

Yet, and this is the crazy part, my intellect is telling me I should pour energy into my education business—the thing that sustained me and my family for decades. But as the revenue drains from it like sand in an hourglass, and my favorite customers retire or move to other industries, I don’t have the energy to tip it over again for one more shake.

I have energy for this other thing that doesn’t provide me with real sustainable income. My YouTube channel and writing—here and other books. These endeavors, to date, as successful as they have been for a new launch, cost me more than they produce in revenue—a lot more. Yet, ideas Flow to me, and energy is there. These are the two things I look to as to where GOD wants me to be in any moment.^*

People will ask me, “Where will you live next year?” Or, “What will you do?” I have no idea. Correction: I have some ideas, BUT whatever I do depends on what happens this year and where I believe GOD wants me to be.

This has been another scary season. I am frankly tired of it and have prayed that GOD make it stop. To just offer me the success I crave, so I can be done with this ‘fear’ around money. I don’t see that prayer being answered soon.

Wanna know why? The work isn’t done. Let me explain a little more about that.

The birthday I dreaded was lovely. Isn’t that another truth of life? The real tough times are the ones that blindside me, but the things I worry about beforehand typically go way better than expected. My 59th was such a day. Both my kids called early to chat with me. One of them tried to arrange a cake to be delivered, but I was too busy getting five hours of beauty treatments. When I arrived at dinner with my friends, they said I glowed and I felt it.

The most inspiring part of the day was the delivery of this mug. One of the dear women I have met in Mazatlán brought it to my door with these words:

That. That is IT. That is WHY. That is EVERYTHING.

I do not have Energy to flip the hourglass for insurance education anymore because my work there is done. There is other work to do, and that work requires transformation—REAL transformation.

The friend at my door did not know that I’ve wanted a butterfly tattoo because Romans 12 is on my heart, yet she stepped into the Flow and brought me the refreshing water I needed.

It’s okay to be afraid. We all get afraid. Jesus himself knew anguish, sorrow, and dread. (Matthew 26:37–39, Mark 14:33–36, Luke 22:41–44, John 12:27, Hebrews 5:7–8) I am certain Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Abraham Lincoln, and so many others were also afraid and grieved for all the loss and change.

My son recently said, “Mom, you made a choice. You decided to speak out. There is a price for that.” He’s right, there is. My reply, “I could not have done anything differently. I had to do it. There was no other way.”

This is what happens when we stand in the Flow. We move with the current. It is a Force that we cannot battle. I could step out—I guess that is possible, but I cannot imagine giving up the Life that the Flow brings. Besides, it’s scarier outside this River than in it.

Thanks to all who made my birthday wonderful and bought my book, The Morality of Money. To learn more about me and support this work, please visit my author site.

* Flow and ALL CAP GOD are concepts I’ve introduced in The Morality of Money. You can learn more about the book at my author website.