Category: Transformed – Healing and Renewal – Romans 12
When my friends abandoned me after my rape, I just couldn’t seem to get my bearings. I was going to church, building a new friendship group, and studying His Word. I was trying to pull things back together and to heal, but something was missing—it didn’t quite work. My friends had been my world. More than my family, they had been my source of strength. I was trying to make that new Power God, Jesus Christ, but it wasn’t quite working so I sought out therapy.
What my therapist did for me, I can never explain. She validated me. She gave a voice to my pain. She was the first person who clearly, without wavering, told me I’d been wronged. First by my rapist, next by my friends. She illuminated how I was gaining my identity from others around me and until I got that identity from God, I really couldn’t heal.
She asked me, “What is your identity in Christ?” I rattled off a bunch of things—He loves me. I’m His creation—uniquely made—blah, blah, blah. I knew these things in my head. The problem was I didn’t feel it. What I found was I had to remove the things from my life that were blocking me from the Healing Power of our Creator.
I started changing things in my life, or really, He started moving me to where I needed to be. I began exercising and while doing so, listening to some of the best preachers and inspirational messages. I was like a sponge and it started to fill me. I quit smoking. That was a tough one. I took me two years and MANY quit attempts to let that go.
Then came the drinking. This one I did not want to let go. In fact, I would pray, “Lord, I know you want me to give this up (I felt the pull), but please, not yet.” Now that I’m free of it, I look back and I don’t know why I hung onto it. It was miserable drinking. I’d routinely go too far, stay up too late, and ruin the next day with a horrible hangover. It came between me and my kids—it was this sick vacation to hell—and this was the final block I had to let go to truly let God in. Maybe in future blogs I’ll share the story of this transition.
Now, today, I can feel God’s influence in my life like never before. When asked, “What is your identity in Christ?” I can’t come up with the words because it’s a feeling. It’s a confidence, a perspective, an understanding that defies reason. I am renewed, restored, and now God can really come in to help heal me. The healing isn’t done. It’s a process—probably life long. Part of that healing is in this writing. Come with us…
Miss You, Mom
Grief is a funny thing. Most times, when I cry about the death of my mother, I’m not crying because I miss her. I most certainly miss her, but what gets the tears to flow are thoughts for and about her. Like, did she know what was happening as itRead More
Mom – You Did This
For the first time since my mother passed last Tuesday, I feel to the center part of my being that she is both with me and in a better place. I no longer worry that she’s lost and afraid. I know she is grounded in a Holy Wisdom that letsRead More
Looks Like You, Mom
My sister found this in my mom’s things. I am to the left, my sister to the right. Please note what is written in the corner, “Looks like you, mom.” My mother must have sent this to my grandmother (Nanny), and when my grandma died, it was returned to myRead More
Mom’s Gone
Each day I wake at about 5:30 a.m.–well before the alarm. It’s the time I plugged into the video cam on Tuesday when I saw my mom struggling at the University Hospital. Her nurse Scott was trying to assist her. She looked at me, so scared. I am sitting inRead More
Snazzy Mom
This is my mom, as snazzy as can be. That is her dog, Bonnie, in the foreground, and that is her Pop-pop, my grandfather to the left. I never met him. He passed the year before I was born. Just last Tuesday, I brought my mom a slice, and weRead More
Last Night with Mom
I am sitting with my mom on video chat. I did not take a picture of her–that would not be fair. She told the family frequently she always took pride in her hair, and the lack of access to a stylist has gotten to her. She is watching the news.Read More
Mom’s Last Day
I woke this morning thinking of my mother. I do most mornings. Sitting in that hospital room, alone. She’s scared and alone. I get that. If I had cancer on a breathing machine, I’d want someone there too. Today they would not let me in. My brother did not getRead More
Sunday with Mom
Update on my mom: Without too many details, the cocktail of meds they have given my mom has given her more energy and allowed us an additional day. She still has terminal cancer, and there is a lot of damage to her lungs, but the prognosis today was far betterRead More
Mom Moved to ICU
I am sitting in my mother’s hospital room. We have been one of the first families allowed to visit their dying family members in this COVID world. I am blessed to be here. My mom is resting. I hope comfortably. The staff in ICU is responsive to her needs. ThereRead More